Just be thankful my brother didn't name your characters. When he played games like *beep*, he was one of those kids who named all of his character profanities. In all caps.



In the Halls of Bargelstein, the Great Thane of the Dwarves, hoary old King *beep*, stroked his beard in impatience. The dwarven lord had fought in the Fourteen Year War and quelled the Bastard's Peak rebellion. With might swings of his double-headed battleaxe he had shorn through shoddy iron full plate and disemboweled thousands of orcs, goblins, trolls, and even his own people who refused to recognize his authority. Never once had he exhibited a moment's anxiety...

...until today, the day of his only daughter's betrothal.

"Warriors!" the Thane bellows through his Hall, no longer willing to wait for her mother to usher her out. "Your Thane expresses gratitude for your presence, and bids you share in his gift of mead!"

"All hail King *beep*!"

After an hour of drinking, the princess finally arrives. The Hall goes silent. King *beep*'s beady eyes glisten with moisture. "My daughter, you are beautiful."

"Gratitude, father," Princess *beep* replies, lavendar silk ribbons tied into her flowing, beautiful beard of blonde hair. At her side, Prince *beep* stands with quaking knees...

"All hail Princess *beep*!"

Hail Kemmler! *Props for anyone who gets this reference*

Stars and stones! If Tuomas tries to pull off a Darkhallow, I'm calling the White Council.

Ley lines, y'all. Just let me go wrangle up my cowboy boots and lasso us up some magic.

Yee-haw!